Thought Disorder

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Those days

On some days, you've this sudden tendency to be struck by some negative realisations.

Today is my "some day".

I've just discovered that I've TWO DAYS to finalise the logo/slogan of Project '?' ! Okay somebody please shoot me. Unlike Xperience, the committee members (or rather, the heads) of '?' are really enthusiastic and we're having a comm meeting online now! I distinctly remember a failed attempt to gather the Xperience pub comm members for an online meeting. Only 3 people were present, one of them being me. I think the other 2 happened to be online by coincidence. They all left the conversation shortly. What stark difference! But that would mean that I'll have to adhere to deadlines strictly and have regular meetings etc. Ahh can I even cope? Go Felicia.

I've also just discovered that I'm so so so mega dead for lunwen. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. My lunwen teacher is going to come back to Singapore tomorrow. That implies that she can contact me easily...which again, implies that I'm screwed and I'm dead.

Help!

11:09 PM

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Lunwen Misery

Although I've not started on it proper, I can almost feel the impending torture awaiting me. Currently, I'm still meddling in my proposal which I just received from my teacher this morning. *Cold feet* On the proposal were some corrections that she did on my behalf, many of them included bad phrasing of the Chinese language. (That's why the O Level HCL was a bad indication of one's Chinese standard la!) And one big major problem should be my entire thesis outline, which I've yet to churn out actually. In fact, I'm just living in pure lunwen-denial everyday. If I were to do my thesis outline, I'd have to research intensively on 和谐社会 for now and narrow the aspects down to what I really want in my lunwen. I baidu-ed 和谐社会 just now and nearly got swallowed by seas of frighteningly tiny Chinese words. My guess is that I'm just not used to it. I think I need to get accustomed to reading lots of Chinese words at a go and digest them in my brain simultaneously. Oh that's one hell difficult task! I'm going to get drowned soon!!! ):

I think I'm most probably going to focus on the economic, political and environmental/social aims. Are these too broad?

Ahhhhh what the hell.

11:42 PM

Tastes like Happy

Amidst the onslaught of academic woes these days, I managed to take time out from thinking to cut my hair a few days back.

Cut it SHORT, I mean.

Now I have short hair.

Apparently, the hairdresser said my hair is kind of screwed. So I had this option of cutting the screwed part away and allow it to be shoulder length...but I decided against it and said, "Cut short lor." She asked me if I would feel sad over the loss of my long hair, and I said no not really. Yeah, I've grown that screwed hair for like about a year? And now it's all gone! But I still feel okay :D

Good desu!

And I somehow enjoy CO practices now. I think it's probably due to fewer technical glitches now, and the fact that we have quite few practices every week. Also, CO people are super fun to be with. So it's not that dreadful! Plus we've overcome that stage of uncertainty and now can play music with emotions easily. :) It's a great thing, to be able to play music, even though I'm not a fantastic musician. And I can't sing, dance or act. So yeah, playing music is awesome. You'll tend to forget all your troubles and just concentrate on playing the music well. At the end of the day, you'll most probably feel calmer and more relaxed. A happier person is born. :) And that's the thing that gets me through the day sometimes.

12:14 AM

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rejoice or Despair?

Yesterday, I got hold of news from an external source saying that I didn't make it through the door for NTU H3 Math. I am also pretty much certain that I'm not going to be in for the NUS one too because the probability of getting into this module is less than the former. So yeah, I was kind of dejected, because I like Math a lot and it is after all, the subject which I'm best at so I'll definitely like doing H3 Math. But this world (or rather, Singapore) only works in one manner: The survival of the fittest. As compared to other candidates across Singapore, or rather those who were chosen from my school, I'm quite sure that my application form wasn't as eye-catching as the rest. So I've moped and moped and moped over it last night, but I've gotten over it today.

Glad that I'm not selected because I don't have to travel to attend lessons, and I won't be missing any school lessons, means fewer make-up lessons for me. (Well, if you consider them as good reasons)

There are alternatives for me. In-house H3 Math or Econs?

They say the H3 Math in school is really boring and you get to proof difficult things that seem to be brainless. I don't know. I'm still contemplating and choosing. Maybe I'll end up not taking H3 at all! Because I don't know if I'll be able to cope with the academic rigour. Also, I doubt that I can survive in the Econs class where all the Econs pros gather because I'm not an Econs pro myself.

Or should I not take any at all? There are multiple commitments next year. Tennis trainings, SYF, Project '?', Lunwen!!

(My heart is sleeping)

I'm having bad cramps.

My mind is in a mess.

Can anyone enlighten me?

12:43 PM

Saturday, November 22, 2008

11:10 PM

Don't talk to me now

9:55 PM

Friday, November 21, 2008

Sleep More!!!

Sleeping burns 55cal/hr!

11:05 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Like water

Have not done anything productive for the last two days!! Am at a loss as to what to do tomorrow: Slack? Sleep? Video? Homework? LKC Library? In no order of preference. I think I'll head down to the library tomorrow because the holidays are simply passing too fast with me doing practically nothing everyday ): Just now I attempted to do Math but after 1 question or so I couldn't take the major mental blockage and restlessness. So I went to make something to eat. Damn!

Do the right thing. I must read the relevant books from the ref library and take down useful notes! Actually I was supposed to adhere to the stipulated schedule the teacher had planned for us, which was something like 14/11 to 21/11 to do the preface and literature review (of course everything in Chinese - coughs and vomits blood) and etc for one whole month...but apparently I'm not doing so. It's partially due to my teacher mentor telling me that my proposal is screwed before she left for Shanghai together with the scholars. She also mentioned that she'll get back to me, but she hasn't. I should pester her for it because I think she's waiting for me to do so. Hmm. Just thinking about it makes me very sick and lazy. Where's the zest I had before promos! Saying that I'll do lunwen in full force after promos ended? Bullshit. It's all gone now. Probably drowned in my sleep because I sleep too much now. Nice (:

Then again, I must not slack off because it's a substantial 30% of my CSC A Levels grade! Dang important can! Why did I take this in the first place? Because I hated Physics, disliked Geog, am not a Bio/Hist student to speak of, will die if I take Elit or CLL, can't take Music. And there wasn't CSE H2, the H1 class got cancelled anyway. So I was left with CSC. That's how you should choose your subject combi haha! Life would be so much better doing my research paper in English right. Oh man.

OK I'll email my teacher now. Let's hope she sees the email!

BTW I went to the doctor for my annoying right ear blockage today. Had it since Sec 2 if I did not remember it wrongly. Means I had it for almost 3 years. Wow, I'm one fantastic person. It's an on-off thing. It comes real frequently, especially when I'm doing sports or walking super fast. Or in the mornings. I always try the 'pinch my nose and blow hard' method but it doesn't work on me anymore. Annoying blockage! So I went to consult the doctor today and he checked my ear...and said "oh my god infected wax". Then I was like, huh?! "Infected wax?" *Doomsday* And he said, "No, I said impacted wax. Means the wax is stuck."

Ear wax, also known as cerumen, is the result of mixing skins cells of the outer ear canal with glandular secretions that protect the ear against infections by cleaning and trapping dirt in the ear canal. The amount of ear wax produced varies by individual. Some individuals produce very little wax; others overproduce ear wax to the point that blockage may occur. Cerumen normally works itself out of the ear; however, there are situations when ear was begins to plug up the outer ear canal. When ear wax blocks the ear canal so that it begins to cause problems, it results in impacted ear wax, or cerumen impaction.

Impacted ear wax is a common phenomenon. Approximately 2 to 6% of the general United States population has this condition. It is most likely caused when an individual cleans the outer ear with a cotton-tipped applicator such as a Q-tip, which ends up pushing the wax down so much that it plugs the outer ear canal. This condition is also prevalent among the population who wear hearing aids. Individuals who have impacted ear wax often complain about symptoms of hearing loss, pain in the ear, a ringing in the ear (called tinnitus), cough, vertigo, or itching of the ear. Cerumen accumulation can occur if there is an overproduction of ear wax in response to infections or loud noises. An individual with an abnormally shaped ear canal may also encounter ear wax build-up.

Now how cool (or weird) is that?

I'd googled it a few days back and found out that it may be due to the accumulation of wax in the ear, or infected ears. But it turned out to be, eh, impacted wax? Unheard of for me. I got a referral letter to SGH where the ear specialists will then work on my ear and try to get the stuck wax out, I think. Hope that nothing is bad like the doctor had assured me of. Meanwhile, he prescribed me ear drops which comes in those indicator bottles we always use in the chem lab! Super cool but apparently, it doesn't help remove the impacted wax. I googled it. The Internet works wonders!

Oh well. Let's hope my ear will recover!

9:38 PM

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The pages of nostalgia

I was reading my archives from way back, like 2005? Surprised to realise that I don't remember a lot of things that happened before especially during Sec2. Omg and I blogged in an infantile manner, and didn't have so many worries flooding my brain as compared to now. I really hated the style of blogging back then (say from 2005 to early 2006)

Life is indeed complicated, and it's great to retain the archives to jerk forgotten memories from just merely years back. Or to allow comparison to assure yourself that, "Yes I've truly matured!" But I will forever remember that major turning point of my life. I think I moped for the longest time ever due to the amalgamation of wavering emotions. Soon enough, pragmatism overwhelmed me and I soon got over it...and became very study-oriented. To succeed in life, you first need an education. Meaning, doing well in all aspects of school, except for Physics which I, fortunately, discarded last year. So yeah, that's mainly the content that has been in my brain for approximately 2 years - the time when I really got myself down to serious studying. For no reason back then, but for an apparent reason right now!

I want to earn lots of money in the future!

Let's hope that will come true. I'll probably read this entry when I'm a grown-up in the future and laugh at myself, just like how I'm laughing at myself from a few years back.

Time can really shape people.
-
Yesterday was really crazy. When I got up from bed this morning, my arms and feet were sore and aching painfully from carrying many instruments yesterday plus standing/running around. Mm and I is the official ~~volume~~ food control. It's fun. At least I had something to do. Our tees were nice because they were designed by yours truly, no? It's actually quite cool to see the designs that you've painstakingly drafted out at home printed out everywhere ranging from tshirts to files for everyone :D Although I know that they may not like it, it still gives a sense of satisfaction. It's probably the feeling of reality. Like, the designs on paper are now actualised in real. Room for loads of improvement still! BTW why do guzhengs exist? They are coffin-heavy. And their legs tend to kiap me a lot. ):

11:00 PM

Saturday, November 15, 2008

All you need is 2% humidity

(Dal Ja's Spring)

Omg I'm super addicted to Tap Tap Revenge someone please kill me!!! I was playing it on Clarence's iPhone the other day, and Rebecca's yesterday and Yigeng's today. Damn fun and exciting - I love the extreme levels they make my fingers all tangled up and extremely exhilarated! Wished I could upgrade my Touch for just USD9.95 in order to download apps and games for playing purposes! And hardcore TTR :D Need mom's approval. Or we should all just get iPhones because it's mega cool and can play so many fun games because the phone is super touch and motion-sensitive.

Dream forever.

And I'll be a useless volume controller tomorrow (technically today) at VCH. Hopefully I can pretend to be busy, running on the spot. Ha-ha. Wasted life. I feel exhausted everyday from doing practically nothing. Not allocated anything either, and I quote someone, "we're all gonna be busy tomorrow". So not?! You can't blame me for slacking because I don't even have anything to do. This is the root of my rants for the past few days. Hate it! ):

In terrible need of money and will remain jobless for the entire holidays. Ta!

12:25 AM

Thursday, November 13, 2008

FTAY, ZQIAN, AND SNING ARE LEAVING TOMORROW IN THE MORNING

Bon voyage and hope the food there is not contaminated with melamine or weird chemicals...oops. And that the air is cleaner because air pollution can lead to death...haha! Will miss them a lot though! Especially CO sessions without Z and S there. It'll be boring, and (I hope not) awkward. But I'll survive once again, because I'm a fighter! An experienced one even.

-
There's always this activity that makes me mega depressed whenever I do it. It never fails to make me feel depressed and melancholic. But then again, it also makes me reflect and ponder over the future which contains so much uncertainties. A Levels! University! Career! Money! Family! Death! It's really hell frightening. Many a time I spot friends online at the right moments and then I can talk to them about my worries...and I'll feel calmer.

Still, I think it was the wrong choice to stay in Dunman because everything is just much narrower there - life, people and chances. But, one thing good is that I'll never slack off and I'll really mug like mad. It's just innate in all of us. End result is, my current life. I hate, but I can never get out of this abyss for now.

Many people don't know how lucky they are, and they still complain about many things in their lives when they are so much better off than others who may be fretting over things that the former can get hold of so easily and so naturally.

I want to live in a pineapple under the sea.

Goodbye.

9:45 PM

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I really hate slacking camp 2008 it makes me really wonder what I'm really there for, and what is the exact purpose for spending my days like that. Free CIP hours? We may love it. It's almost akin to a money tree that drops free money all the time. I hate the free CIP hours promotion for the camp because I'm not even involved in the community at all. And that defeats the purpose of CIP in the first place.

Sigh. Must get down to doing work and lunwen proper. Must muster the courage to text Zhang ls and trudge over to the staff room to check out my badly-done proposal. Must read the books this weekend when I'm freer and camp at Lee Kong Chian next week from 11am - 6 pm!

BTW I love Lee Min Ki hahaha omg he's super cute. Must watch Dal Ja's Spring yall! :D Trust the ultimate drama watcher + Yann Chyng & Shi Ning. Although I hate Chae Rim's hair very much, it's still a good watch. Addicted after the third episode already! The female leads in dramas always get the very good-looking, rich and tall guys. Doesn't really happen in real life though but it's nice to fantasize sometimes (i.e. B.W. for Zhi Qian if you're reading this!!!)

Last note of the day:

Trust no one but yourself.

10:35 PM

Monday, November 10, 2008

Dream

-

It's slack camp week! I go to school almost everyday, ~~do nothing and get cip hours~~. I mean, there's virtually nothing in my job scope which I'm able to be of help so I just practically hop around and stare into space, struggling to find something to do. Or else, I'd be slacking somewhere using the computer. Truthfully, I have no idea what I'm doing at the slack camp like I don't really help or do anything productive. Other people are busy all the time but I'm just doing nothing and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And I've to wake up so early and this defeats the purpose of having holidays - to sleep in! But the plus point is that I'll get lots of cip hours. It's probably a hidden obligation which came along as a free gift when we got posted at the start of the year.

On the other hand, tomorrow's Xperience will be quite tiring because I predict I'll be doing something like uh, the art collage? And AYC's just across the road. Convenience owns your ass big-time.

It is also lunwen week. According to the handout the teacher issued the last time, we're supposed to start doing the freak research paper this Thursday oh my god I'm going to hyperventilate and die. Haven't read any books or done any research (eg. read the articles I saved eons ago) and don't think there is time for me to do so! ): Mega sigh. I am really lost.

And really jaded from just these 2 days waking up super early, heading out there and burning hell lot of energy and then returning home and getting little sleep.

So I'm out.

10:34 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2008

10K

from selling all that merchandise on the streets and collecting donations. Good job volunteers! And Xperience comm! Especially Limei I think she put in the most effort of all doing the planning and everything! And props to FT who sold ALL HER MERCHANDISE. Plus everyone else who went all out trying to sell their merchandise. It was such a fulfilling day and we were surprised by the amount of money we raised for the autism community : D Better Xperience than last year's!

10:14 PM

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I think Domokun is super retarded! When I look at it it just makes me wanna laugh.

According to Wikipedia, Domo, the main character, is described as "a strange creature that hatched from an egg." Domo's favorite food is Japanese-style meat and potato skew, and he has a strong dislike for apples, due to an unexplained mystery in his DNA. Domo can only communicate via producing a low-pitched noise which sounds somewhat like his own name, but other characters appear to understand him. Domo-kun is known to pass gas repeatedly when nervous or upset.

Xperience 08 is doing a Domokun and friends art collage! How cool (or rather, retarded) is that!

I think if it's possible to take Japanese in university as a minor I may consider taking it :D

Anyway, I must start mugging soon! I think I'll start doing holiday homework tonight, and I will start reading my books soon. And prepare for SATs which I've no idea how to. Do lunwen! Camp at Lee Kong Chian for a month from morning till night. Hopefully things will work out and I will be an obedient girl for the holidays. The holidays are passing way too quickly even though there are approximately 10 weeks of holidays this time round. And I've just mindlessly spent my last few days sleeping, using the computer and doing unproductive stuff. It's time to thrash the unnecessary and do what's vital. And save money and promise myself to run at least 3 times a week!

Practicality reigns. Kicks ass.

6:24 PM

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

The dearth of posts for the past half a month is due an uncomprehensible process: computer got attacked by a virus, got it fixed but then internet browser screwed up plus semi-hectic OP prep work.

And as of yesterday, I've finally got PW over and done with for my whole life! Yes even gross I&R. OP was nerve-wrecking. I'd thought I'll forget my entire script after Audrey was done with her part but fortunately, the words just spilled out of my mouth just like how I've been practising normally. As for Q&A, I hoped I scraped because I'd no idea what I was rattling on about. Overall, I think DH019 did fine yes at least a B for everyone. But it's over forever! (:

Recently, I've been perpetually fretting over which faculty to apply to, and worse, which university to apply to? (Like, who wants to accept me!) Oh and the scholarship problem is still at the most back of my head - I'll just worry about that later. Reviewing myself and my performance in various aspects of life for the past one year, I feel inadequate when I'm reading short write-ups on the university and the faculty itself. It's almost impossible to secure a place when over 2000 - 5000 people are vying for 200 to 300 seats in a faculty. As a matter of fact, I'm still at loss at what faculty to concentrate on and research on but for now, I'm quite sure that I'm steering clear of Sciences (but still considering Pathology?) and Engineering. I think I'm most likely to enter the Social Sciences faculty. Can I make the cut?

I'll go bonkers just thinking of such stuff for the whole holidays. And thinking that I'm one step closer to the A's! ):

10:20 AM

About

Felicia studied in Dunman High School, loves elmo, is a major drama addict and is a cake lover. She has quit coffee even though she loves it.